• December 14Dept. of Education to Cancel $150 Million in Student Loan Debt

  • December 12Trump's Former Lawyer Michael Cohen Gets 3 Years In Prison

  • December 12ICE Arrests 170 Immigrants Seeking to Sponsor Migrant Children

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  • December 6Five Marines Missing After U.S. Warplanes Collide Off Japan

  • December 5First Baby Born After Deceased Womb Transplant

  • December 4Law Officer Says UK Can Cancel Brexit

  • December 3Polio-Like Illness AFM 'Appears To Have Peaked' In US For The Year

  • December 3Asian Longhorned Ticks Spreading In The US, Now In 9 States

  • December 3Amazon Briefly Became The World's Most Valuable Company

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A Thanksgiving Tale

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With it being my first year in a new city, I had no plans for Thanksgiving. At least, not until Vlad invited a few of us to to his grandparent’s house for the big day. I was pretty excited– I’d been planning to just eat a Hungry-Man® Roasted Carved White Meat Turkey 16 oz. Box with White Meat Turkey, Creamy Mashed Potatoes, Gravy, Season Stuffing and Mixed Vegetables, including an Apple Cranberry Dessert (whatever that was), but I figured an actual Grandma could cook something a heckuva lot better than that, and with significantly less sodium to boot.

Anyway, Abanoub and I arrived at the address Vlad had told us, and an aged woman answered the door after we knocked. “Oh, hello. Are you here for dinner as well?” she asked. We responded affirmatively and were ushered inside, down a long hallway and into a sitting room where a couple other friends who’d been invited over were seated on a couch– shrink wrapped, in typical old lady fashion. Looking around, I noticed that just about everything was shrink wrapped. Was that a grandparent thing? I didn’t have any grandparents, so I couldn’t be sure. Oh gosh- was this a just normal thing to do, to prevent stains? Did everyone do this but me? I was so lost in thought that it took a fair bit for me to realize something: Vlad was nowhere to be found.

I asked our friends if they had seen him around, to which they replied that no, they hadn’t, that they had already texted to ascertain his whereabouts, and could I please stop pacing and sit down, I was making the whole room uncomfortable. Just as I was about to take a seat, Vlad’s Grandma called out to us from the kitchen; “Come sit down! Grandpa’s just about ready for dinner!”.

We filed over to the table, as I texted Vlad, “Wya? We’re eating without you.” As we seated ourselves, I noticed just about the strangest centerpiece I’ve ever seen- looked just like a R̵̢̧̙̭̣̙̼̮̙͚̐̾̅̀̀̀͒̃̎̀͐̕͠͝’̶̢͚͉͙̘͒l̵̹͇̣̭̖̯̩͎̿̓̆y̷̼̜͔̅́͘e̵̠̻͓̊̽̑h̸̡̞̹̩͈̖̼̯̬͔̎̂ ̴̟̠͈͙̟̮̗̬͈̙̦̅͜f̸̛̜́͌͆̿͆̂̓͝͝͠͝͝h̷̨͖͈͙͎̤͙̲͔͕͐̔́̍͌̈̃̃̂͝͠ť̸̨͎̥̝̱̺̫̥̏̉͗̚ả̶̢̹̠͉͍̘̱̱̪̦͂̊͗̄̎͑͛͗̋̕̚͝ǵ̵͕̹̮͔̬̣̘̪̫̰̳̲̞̟͉̒ṅ̸̠̩̻̬͛̐̌͌̋̈́̔͘, only even more indescribable. I felt like I was going mad just looking at it, so I looked away. Grandma started to bring out the food, and it looked awesome– traditional Thanksgiving fare. As everyone began voraciously cramming it down, I slowed up a bit. Something was mildly off putting about all this, even more so than the centerpiece and all the shrink wrap. What was it, exactly? The cranberry sauce tasted… funky. I stopped eating it after a few bites. The mashed potatoes were good, although the gravy seemed off colour, but man, the turkey was excellent. My phone buzzed, and you how they use the expression about your heart stopping cold. Well, it did that after I looked at the phone. Doesn’t beat right to this day. The text from Vlad read: “I’m been here dude. We’ve been waiting for you.” Not knowing how to react, I looked up from my phone. “Grandma”, Abanoub was saying, “Where’s Grandpa? You said he was almost ready to eat.” Grandma replied, “Why, he is, dear! He was ready about ten minutes ago.”

Everything fell into place, and I stood up dramatically (the situation called for it, ok?), and sprinted out. My friends stayed seated, mouths agape in horror at Grandma, but I’d seen enough horror movies to know that I did not wanna be in there for a second longer. As I made my egress, I glanced into the kitchen, which… well, I don’t want to describe what I saw in there. You can imagine well enough.

Welp, that’s about it. I’m gonna go eat some turkey now.

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A Thanksgiving Tale