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Sweetener

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Sweetener

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Madison,

As my truest and dearest friend, you are the one I have chosen to confide in.

I have stopped taking the pills. My mother once told me they are sweeteners of life, but I know that sweeteners are artificial. For the first time in my life, I am seeing things for what they truly are.

Forgive me for not seeing earlier the demons you spoke of with such fear and horror. With dread squeezing the heart in my chest, I see now what you so urgently warned me of. Everything is right in front of our faces, and yet we choose not to see them. And I regret not listening to you, or maybe I was unable to listen.

Sleep frightens me now, as does the wake. The only time my mind rests easy is in that in between state, where I am not quite awake enough to grasp onto reality and not yet deep enough into sleep to become lost in the depths of my twisted mind, losing my grip on reality completely.

Sometimes I wish to take my Sweetener once again and fall back into that dream-like state it creates, like a mist shrouding my mind. I become so frightened by what I see, so revolted by what I see, that I feel the urge to bury it all once again with the swallow of a pill. Out of sight, out of mind. James says that a lot. But James doesn’t know what’s out of sight, and I’m not sure he could put it out of his mind after seeing it, whether he put it out of sight again or not.

James is worried about me, I can tell. He thinks I’ve lost my mind, but little does he know, I’ve just gotten a firm grasp on it. I haven’t told him I’m off the Sweeteners, and I don’t plan to. I know you are the only one who could possibly understand.

I remember when they sent you away for seeing things. I thought it was best for you. Everyone did. I didn’t understand. No one did.

I wonder if I will meet the same fate. If James will finally find out I’ve been washing my Sweeteners down the sink’s rusty drain with every rise and set of the sun, will he refuse to listen to me as we once refused to listen to you? I won’t blame him. With the Sweeteners clouding his mind, how could I expect him to believe me?

Always,

Clarity

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