Thesaurus Abuse

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What a pulchritudinous day it is in this microcosm! What shall I accomplish, I query? On such a voluptuous day, I shall travel through the emporium. I jubilantly strut crosswise to the emporium. I ponder what to acquire. Eureka! I desire a predicament! I jaunt through the emporium. Everything seems more elemetery than before. Perhaps it’s just my enhanced perspective on entirety. All my colleagues comment that I am so sophisticated that they “can’t bare to be around me.” To that, I must attest. It must be burdensome being around a mind so agile and massive. Nevertheless, I have been seeking this predicament for multiple hours. I request assistance.

“Greetings, do you bear a predicament in your emporium?”

“Excuse me?”

“Does your emporium include a predicament?”

“A predicament? Sir, this is Walmart.”

“Oh, I visualise. On the contrary, your website specifically includes predicaments.”

“Sir, is this a joke? Cause that isn’t a predicament, it’s a pickle.”

No, you cannot grasp what I am verbalising. See, it says it write here.”

“Sir, you should probably stop looking for food items in a thesaurus. I might not be able to understand what you’re saying half the time, but walking around the store with a book makes you look silly. And you used the wrong definition. Maybe ‘brined cucumber’ would work better.”

*Narrator becomes enraged*

“Sir, you look pretty red, let me get you a glass of water and walk you home.”

After I ventured home, I realized that my mother lied to me. The thesaurus did not make me seem smarter, but the opposite. But after being embarrassed, I have learned my lesson. I will now think twice before I use flowery language, as it only makes me seem pretentious, and is overall unnecessary. I now realize that when used properly, a thesaurus is a helpful tool, but it must be used with caution. Just remember, whenever you feel like using this “purple prose,” think of my story take heed.